Friday, September 10, 2010

Farmville addicts. Awesome or not?

For those of you who live under a rock, Farmville is a simplistic, repetitive game that has taken over the lives of millions. Hosted on Facebook, the game relies on players helping one another with their mundane tasks by clicking links sent between Facebook accounts. If you have a Facebook account, I can guarantee you have at least one addict friend that spams updates and sends you endless requests to give them a fucking chicken egg or some shit. Farmville is run by Zynga, the makers of other terrible Facebook games such as Mafia Wars and YoVille. Their model revolves around developing a simplistic, repetitive, and most importantly addictive game with an item shop. That’s right, I said item shop. People are actually willing to pay real money for virtual farming supplies and other worthless shit.

Now here's the thing, Zynga is really fucking good at making games that are addictive, and people are shelling out money hand over fist. We're not just talking about kids blowing a few of their parents' hard earned dollars, we're talking about real, grown-up money. Zynga makes so much money off some of these suckers that they have created what they call the "Platinum Purchase Plan.” Despite Zynga’s attempt to keep it under wraps, word of the plan has leaked to the internet. Through the Platinum Purchase Plan, you can purchase Zynga points at a rate of one dollar per ten Zynga points (a 20% discount). Oh, did I mention that the program requires a nonrefundable minimum purchase of $500 that can only be done via direct bank transfer? Yeah, fuck that.

Farmville addicts are definitely not awesome. Spam me with requests? How about a fucking sledge hammer to your face? Stop wasting money on worthless, shitty games and spend it on something worthwhile. Perhaps a hooker and some blow?

Zynga is also not awesome. Zynga is a piece of shit company that preys on lonely, unemployed men and lets them blow thousands of dollars on virtual bullshit while simultaneously preserving their virginity. I can't really blame them for doing this though, have you seen the kind of money they're making? I guess I'll see them in hell.

Fuck you, cardboard!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Hahahaha, bitch.

Now that's a facial.

Things that are not awesome...

Tropical Storm Hermine
Fuck you and your pussy rain. Bring some real storms with thunder, lightning, and epic tornadoes so I can act out a scene from Twister. I am aware that there were three tornadoes in north Texas, but they weren't near me so they are invalid. Do the job right next time and fuck shit up.

People who breathe loudly
Fuck you, shut up. Do you not realize everyone within five feet of you can hear you panting?

You car will never be cool. That is all.