Friday, September 10, 2010

Farmville addicts. Awesome or not?

For those of you who live under a rock, Farmville is a simplistic, repetitive game that has taken over the lives of millions. Hosted on Facebook, the game relies on players helping one another with their mundane tasks by clicking links sent between Facebook accounts. If you have a Facebook account, I can guarantee you have at least one addict friend that spams updates and sends you endless requests to give them a fucking chicken egg or some shit. Farmville is run by Zynga, the makers of other terrible Facebook games such as Mafia Wars and YoVille. Their model revolves around developing a simplistic, repetitive, and most importantly addictive game with an item shop. That’s right, I said item shop. People are actually willing to pay real money for virtual farming supplies and other worthless shit.

Now here's the thing, Zynga is really fucking good at making games that are addictive, and people are shelling out money hand over fist. We're not just talking about kids blowing a few of their parents' hard earned dollars, we're talking about real, grown-up money. Zynga makes so much money off some of these suckers that they have created what they call the "Platinum Purchase Plan.” Despite Zynga’s attempt to keep it under wraps, word of the plan has leaked to the internet. Through the Platinum Purchase Plan, you can purchase Zynga points at a rate of one dollar per ten Zynga points (a 20% discount). Oh, did I mention that the program requires a nonrefundable minimum purchase of $500 that can only be done via direct bank transfer? Yeah, fuck that.

Farmville addicts are definitely not awesome. Spam me with requests? How about a fucking sledge hammer to your face? Stop wasting money on worthless, shitty games and spend it on something worthwhile. Perhaps a hooker and some blow?

Zynga is also not awesome. Zynga is a piece of shit company that preys on lonely, unemployed men and lets them blow thousands of dollars on virtual bullshit while simultaneously preserving their virginity. I can't really blame them for doing this though, have you seen the kind of money they're making? I guess I'll see them in hell.

Fuck you, cardboard!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Hahahaha, bitch.

Now that's a facial.

Things that are not awesome...

Tropical Storm Hermine
Fuck you and your pussy rain. Bring some real storms with thunder, lightning, and epic tornadoes so I can act out a scene from Twister. I am aware that there were three tornadoes in north Texas, but they weren't near me so they are invalid. Do the job right next time and fuck shit up.

People who breathe loudly
Fuck you, shut up. Do you not realize everyone within five feet of you can hear you panting?

You car will never be cool. That is all.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Toll booths

I hate tolls and toll booths just as much as the next person, but this bitch is crazy.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Adrien Brody? Awesome

Awesome French Bread Pizza (Now With More Bacon!)

I know most of you ate Stouffer's French Bread Pizza growing up like I did. That stuff was the shit.

Sadly, as I evolved into the fine being that I am my body began to require more nutrients and more bacon. Fuck Stouffer's, make my pizza and be awesome.

This is the best French Bread pizza recipe ever:

1 loaf French Bread
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 chopped onion
1 green bell pepper chopped
1 red bell pepper chopped
4 garlic cloves minced
2 tablespoons dried basil
1 tablespoon oregano
2 cups of pizza sauce
1/2 cup black olives sliced
1 1/2 cup mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
Pepperoni slices (optional)
Bacon (optional)

Preheat oven to 450. Cut bread in half and drizzle with olive oil.

In a skillet add remaining olive oil over medium heat. Add onion, peppers, garlic, basil, and oregano. Cook for 5 minutes and remove from heat.

Cover bread in pizza sauce and top with the skillet mixture. Then sprinkle on cheese and whatever toppings you wish to add. At this point I add massive amounts of pepperoni and bacon to cancel out any nutritional value the pizza may have. The more bacon, the better.

Bake for 14-18 minutes.

106 Year Old Virgin

Half of me is raging and the other half has an erection. Since when are flower club, church, and other bullshit activities a substitute for taking a good 'ol dicking?

Isa has never even been KISSED and thinks staying single has made her stay strong.

Last night her niece Sheena Campbell, 67, said: "I'm not sure if anyone ever tried it on - but they never got anywhere! She says she never felt the need for romance and never had time for a man.

"She did like the odd sherry though."

Isa, born in 1904, instead kept herself busy going to flower club and church, singing in the choir, and playing golf or gardening.

Read more:

Call of Duty: Black Ops Wager Matches. I don't know if awesome.

Latest Call of Duty games? Suck. All of Treyarch's games? Suck. Console to PC ports? Suck. However, this trailer took me by surprise. I clicked play expecting to see Treyarch further embarrass themselves, but instead was rewarded with butt-puckering game modes that could potentially be fun. It's a shame that Treyarch is bound to fuck this one up like they have with every Call of Duty game. Call of Duty: United Offensive? Bullshit. Call of Duty 3? Bullshit.  Call of Duty: World at War? Bullshit, and fuck attack dogs. Why do they keep letting these asshats make games? Tony Hawk's Pro Skater was the only decent title they have ever put out.

Halo Kids...Not Awesome.

WHAT IS DUKE NUKEM? Who the fuck are you, kid? I oughta beat your face in with your Xbox. Fuck you. Not awesome.

American Psycho

Speaking of awesome. American Psycho may be the greatest black comedy ever made. Watch it and be awesome.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I will post awesome things here.

I will also post non-awesome things here. Since 99% of everything sucks, I'd imagine that the awesome things will be rather rare.